The cancer has returned... and I am really scared.
I'm not scared of dying, but I'm so scared that I'm going to keep living a life of uncertainty.
I'm scared of pain.
I'm scared that I will become a burden to the people around me.
I'm scared that I'm not good enough to go to heaven.
I'm scared...
It's so pointless to put on a "brave front". Why? For what?
Who am I trying to impress, and who out there is of so high value that I still need to carry on putting on my masks?
Will the treatment work?
Even after the chemotherapy, will the transplant work?
Even after the transplant, will there be irreversible debilitating conditions?
How am I going to pay for my medical bills?
How do I even go on?
I believe in God.
And I believe in prayer. But these days, I really don't know what to pray for.
To be healed? Does God work that way? Is He a magic genie to come and fulfill the bidding and wishes of those who demand it of Him?
Is it even respectful to do so?
This treatment is going to be make the previous treatment look like a walk in the park.
I don't know how I am going to make it through... I really don't know.
